There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
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