is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
