remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
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