I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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