Rock
Scissors
Fuck
haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Randomize
