Redeem this text for a blowjob
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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