he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
