Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
