Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
