im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
