im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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