I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
