Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
