i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Randomize
