I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
The air taste purple.
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