4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
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