She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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