Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
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