Skip Greektown and come to Geektown. I just want to cuddle.
I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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