wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
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