so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Randomize
