sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
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