I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Randomize
