Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
