i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
