WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Randomize
