i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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