I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
