hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Pissing in la rieve gfox. Jer zsyuis diu drunk but it felt amazunbg
Dans le librearie ivetre. Hjhaha
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
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