Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
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