I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
