Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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