All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
