i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
