Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
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