I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
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