Your dad touched me again.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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