my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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