a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize
