Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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