alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
