I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
Randomize
