They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
So many bounce houses so little time
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
