I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
