3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
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