This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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