listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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