i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
