New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
