Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
