It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
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