My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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