I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
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