took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize