Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
He did a backflip because drugs
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Randomize
