I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
